Meet Virginia Satir
Virginia Satir was a very effective therapist and she was dealing with family problems.
One day a man came to her and he complained about his problems with the upbringing of his daughter. He claimed that his daughter doesn’t respect him as she puts up a strong resistance to his instructions and does everything to spite him.
On short reflection Virginia explained him that the behaviour of his daughter didn’t indicate the lack of respect, but her attempt to be independent. And her protesting may turn out to be very useful in her life i.e. in case when somebody would try to persuade her into doing something bad.
This new point of view helped not only the client we were talking about.
The useful technique – NLP comes down form Virginia Satir
Reframing means giving the particular behaviour new frames.
According the NLP, behaviour doesn’t have an objective meaning, there are only meanings given by us.
Both me and you, we can differently interpret the same behaviour and according to this interpretation we will behave.
What kind of frames should we give?
There are two directions we can follow while using the reframing.
The point is that we find another meaning for a particular behaviour.
Looking at someone’s behaviour which you don’t like (you give it a particular interpretation), think for a while if it doesn’t mean something completely different.
If somebody draw my attention to the fact that I do not dress properly while it’s cold, it may not mean that they want to control me but that they care for my health.
If my colleague interrupts me all the time when I speak, it doesn’t mean that he is ill-mannered or impolite but that his thoughts are running with such a speed that if he doesn’t express them they will disappear for ever.
I’m sure that for many similar situations you will be able to find a proper meaning.
But it’s not about making excuses. If somebody does something bad we can of course find another meaning (according to the NLP assumptions any behaviour has its positive intentions) but it doesn’t mean that we should take no notice of this as our rights are also important.
You can use the second method if the discovery of new meaning is not sufficient or it is too difficult.
Exactly the same behaviour or a reaction which is unsuitable in a given situation may prove useful and helpful in a different context.
That’s why when you think about someone’s behaviour (or of your own) which you do not like, look for another context or a situation.
If someone is very distrustful by nature it may be very difficult to communicate with him, however in a different situation he won’t be easily cheated by dishonest people as he will read the contract she signs very carefully.
A person who doesn’t like changes and is very conservative will be a very good employee because he will stick to verified and effective methods.
I encourage you to analyse several situations from your life and to find a different meanings or context for them in which they turn out to be positive. As you give proper frames to your behaviour, I can guarantee that your life would be better.